There are certain choices you have to make as a PCV when it comes to loved ones who are watching your every move because you are now living in Africa. One bad day (or 45 built up without release) can lead to a bad blog post (like this one) which can lead to a HUGE international over-reaction (please don't have this), which can also go the other way too - both of these are things I am experiencing right now.
When something goes wrong here, we write about it. We send sadness home on tear stained letters and fury through the glory of the internet. We expel our pain and stress into the world and onto you at the most random of times (thanks time difference) and in the most intense of ways (insane and chaotic writing?). So, naturally, being the super awesome fantastic amazing supportive people you are, YOU FREAK OUT. You freak out and ask what you can send, write letters as soon as possible, and you demand that we come home, NOW. You freak out because we are freaking out, or have within the past 1 to 73 days, depending on how the mail situation went. It happens. It's life, and Peace Corps Life is a whole new ballgame.
It's kind of like a secret life, a double life, of an American and a Namibian, and then one day they fuse together as one, one day you are Namerican. When this happens I will let you know.
Anyways, so we freak out - because contrary to popular belief PCVs are actual human beings, not just angelic "super good-doers" that appear out of no where (storks?), or are from a secret society of Mother Theresa followers. And when we freak out we freak out BIG. "Go Big or Go Home" has a whole new definition here in PC land. And we freak big because of the internalization that jacks us up like walking pressure cookers. Really, it happens all day everyday. And it happens because we can't freak and/or flip out when we see something that we don't agree with, because then we would never stop and no work would ever get done. We can't vocalize the screaming inside of our heads when we are exhausted, frustrated, irritated and exacerbated two hours into a six hour staff meeting being held in a boiling hot room just to choose who is going to decide how many pens each learner gets to have. So, we hold it in. And we try to let it out, we really do, it's just hard to find emotionally safe places to do it, to let our guards down, and vent, bitch, and release the pressure in the cooker. But more times than not our chosen activity is yet another cause for stress and anxiety as it is strange, weird, stared at and often requires explanation. Who can wind down with they have to explain why they run? So, alas, the pressure continues on the stress path that is the Peace Corps. And when people back home learn that we are upset, not so happy or dancing with unicorns - because that's what we do here, obviously - then they boost sales at the local post office sending large amounts of Cheez-Itz or graduate school brochures. But, the over-reaction goes the other way too.
When we find out that not so good/bad things happen in America we FREAK OUT, in our own way. Which is hard, super, really, amazingly and agonizingly hard at times to deal with. Because we want to be there, or we want to know what is actually going on, but we can't. And we have to get through it in our own crazy PCV way, and we do. It just sucks knowing that something is going on, but not knowing what exactly is going on, or how you can help in any way shape or form.
The point of all this irrational, angry, borderline negative ranting is that PCV blogs are tricky. When you have one you have excitedly given yourself the task of deeming what is and is not okay to write and send out into the world. You have to selectively pick and choose the things that you tell, instead of just throwing it all out into the world - you inadvertently censor yourself in your own creative space. Which adds to the pressure. So, what do you do? Because people back home aren't stupid, they aren't dumb. They know that when you post less you are upset and that when you aren't excited all the time things are lack-luster, because at some point this becomes less of a soul-searching incredible adventure and it just becomes your life, and with such an intense life comes higher highs and lower lows, it's just harder when you can't talk about the lows.
So dear blog readers, this I say to you: yes this is a clear demonstration of me letting too much stress and pressure build up in my mind, body and spirit, and expelling it at way too intense of a rate in too small of a space without actually saying anything as I remain purposefully vague, but maybe it's less of the details I want known and it's more of the fact that I want to be allowed to be angry, I want to be allowed to be upset, and to not just have to behave and keep my mouth shut all of the time because we don't want to upset anyone, which is my own fault. I have been so worried and concerned with behaving, not rocking the boat and not wanting to offend anyone that I think I have caused a lot of my own distress. I have been pretending to be something I'm not, I have been wearing a "happy mask" to please everyone but myself. So maybe it's okay to get upset sometimes, just when it's appropriate.
When I find better coping mechanisms to deal with all of this culture shock and adjustment stress I will let you know. And when I reach a point where I don't feel like I have to be someone I'm not I will also let you know. It's just hard for me. You all know me, as complex, defensive and emotional as they come, but maybe somewhere in this madness it's where we are all supposed to be, and you need me to feel these ways and write these words because you need to be the one reading them.
PS - I really am ok. Just adjusting to a lot of things and learning through some trial and error. But you can still send Cheez Its.
PPS - Namibia and Namibians are still amazing. None of this is from me having had bad experiences with Namibians or Namibia, I'm just a tadpole becoming a frog.
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